The curse of Bob

Obituaries
I hope this letter finds you well. One person who is not well at the moment will be Cde Walter Mzembi, who by now must be understanding how The Bobster is retarding growth and development in Zimbabwe.

My People, I hope this letter finds you well. One person who is not well at the moment will be Cde Walter Mzembi, who by now must be understanding how The Bobster is retarding growth and development in Zimbabwe.

letter to my people BY DOCTOR STOP IT

President Robert Mugabe
President Robert Mugabe

One of the worst kept secrets in Zimbabwean sport is how some members of the senior national football team and their supporters always dread having The Bobster attend national team matches.

According to some superstitious people, having the African liberation icon who single-handedly freed the continent from settler colonialism and occupation would result in bad luck.

Not just bad luck, but an outright defeat. That is why whenever The Bobster would pitch up to watch the national team playing, there would be murmurs and howls of disapproval from the thousands of supporters.

Back to poor Mzembi, there is no doubt that what people out there call “The Mugabe or Zimbabwe Factor” could have cost him the position of United Nations World Tourism Organisation (UNWTO) secretary-general.

Of course, Cde Walter will not accept that kind of analysis, preferring to make bland statements like “the Zimbabwean brand emerged the victor”.

His ministry has toyed around with the idea of declaring Bobo as a tourist attraction!

What madness.

Those are not the kind of ideas to take to the global body for tourism. That kind of flawed thinking only exists in loony countries like North Korea.

Coming as he does from a country which has been nicknamed the “pothole” capital of the world, surely Cde Walter had a lot working against him.

As if the potholes are not enough to slow down traffic, we have a police force that mounts roadblocks everywhere, giving foreign visitors the impression that we live in a dictatorship or police state.

Allegations that police are in the habit of mugging drivers of their money have refused to go away.

Actually, the fact that he won the first round of voting should be taken as a sign of how hard he had worked but in the final analysis, “The Mugabe/Zimbabwe Factor” weighed him down.

Still on the police force, can you imagine what tourists and the international community think whenever they see images of the people’s force brandishing or hurling those spikes in what others believe could be a case of malicious damage or injury to property.

Kkkkkkkkk! Classic. I overheard some people imagining the leadership of UNWTO visiting Zimbabwe and seeing all those roadblocks, amid demands for bribes and having spikes thrown at them.

Many would not be comfortable with having a surrogate of that government assuming very influential offices.

Kwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! We will not talk about the same candidate having a history of praising a 93-year-old running for the office of president.

Not president of an old people’s home, but a whole country.

But he is not the only one to have fallen victim to the Mugabe/Zimbabwe curse.

Former finance minister, the late Bernard Chidzero, was one of the few to experience the effects of the curse after losing the race to be secretary-general of the United Nations to Boutros Boutros-Ghali of Egypt.

Simba Makoni has also tried his hand at being president of the African Development Bank in which his bid failed, while Thomas Sakala, another Zimbabwean tried to be the organisation’s president and failed to land the post despite being the sentimental and outright favourite.

Kkkkkkkkkkkk! We won’t mention the candidates The Bobster tried to back for different offices at the African Union who lost dismally, including his opposition to the readmission of expansionist Morocco into the African Union.

Of course, not all Zimbos have failed to land important positions around the world. Comrade Philip Chiyangwa is now holding a senior position in the Confederation of African Football (CAF), no doubt part of the spoils of having led the campaign to remove Issa Hayatou as president of CAF.

Other Zimbos have done well in different spheres, including purchasing fake doctorates online while in my case, I sent my driver to pick up my fake Ph.D from a local university.

Mad Cow Disease outbreak

Is it really true that a country that has collapsed health and education delivery systems is busy sending cattle to the African Union Foundation?

When I heard the story I did not believe it and assumed that somebody had gone down with Mad Cow Disease.

The donation will see Africa being less dependent on foreign donors.

Given a generous estimate, the money raised will not surpass $1 million.

Hardly enough to reduce donor dependency by Africans. After all, that money is not enough for Bobo to receive treatment on one eye in Singapore.

For a country that looted $15 billion and still can’t provide basic medical services for its people, donating cows to prevent donor dependency is rather rich.

Maybe the cattle should be donated to orphans and widows in the countryside, particularly victims of political violence.

Munhuwese kuna Amai!

Umasalu wezwelonke!

Dr Amai Stopit! Ph.D (fake)