America! I, Vladimir Putin, Thank You For President Who Is Easier Than Siberian Night-Woman

Suckers.

Are you hanging up? Nyet! You hang up first. I’m not hanging up first. Nyet! You! Okay, neither of us hang up. Let’s just talk until we fall asl—

Oh, das vidanya, corpulent Wonkette piss jockeys! I did not see you there. It is I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, now only America’s second-favorite dictator, here to make words at you! Today I am very sad because I have had to pass off title of favorite American dictator, but then I remember that I lost title to Donald Trump because you voted for him! After all he did to you! As my fellow Russian Yakov Smirnoff used to say, what a country!

Yes, I am having the speaking with Donald right now! We have much discussion about many things. Our feelings, our hopes for our two nations, what we should rename phony nation of Ukraine when we finish dividing it up. Is so hard! I vote for just calling it “Russia.” Donald suggest so many others. “Branding, Vladimir!” he says. “Sure, Russia is great country and everyone calls it Russia very powerfully, but also is such old name! Where are you rushing to, anyway? Russian to get all the rare earths, maybe! Ha ha ha!”

Then he say, Vladimir, there are so many names. People love the name Mar-a-Lago, why not go with that? Mar-a-Lago Europe. It has ring, no? You should look at that very strongly.

I say, ha ha, you are right, Donald! You are smartest president America ever have. You should make them give you third term. Yes, you are almost 80 years old, and in Russia we would have already ground you into nutritious paste for zoo animals so you no longer waste resources, but you are so smart and strong. You will live to be 150. Like all those people you are paying Social Security to!

Then we have big laugh while I make ... what is word? ... wanking motion with hand near crotch. Do not tell Donald! I do not want him to get mad and stop telling me everything. He has promised to write down nuclear codes before our next call.

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Then I tell Donald, perhaps we will call Ukraine Trumpland, or Trumpistan, or Trumpia. Or how about Trump Trump? His name twice! Like Pago Pago or Bora Bora. He like that one because he does not get jokes.

Wonkette, have I been by to thank you for re-electing Donald Trump? Hm, let us consult glorious Wonkette archive ... ah, yes! New Year’s! Well, please to let me thank America again, very powerfully, as Donald would say. This has gone even beyond Vladimir’s wildest dreams. Donald has been president for less than nine weeks, and America is more confused than old babushka lady ordering coffee in Starbucks. Babushka lady used to Russian coffee made from bathtub vodka. All this latte and macchiato and double-shot mocha creme frappucino make no sense.

Where was I? Oh, yes, Donald as president! Look at what he has done in only nine weeks. NATO is kaput. North America is in turmoil. Netflix release fifth season of You. Penn Badgley! Very scary!

Donald even has Canada mad at him. How do you make Canada mad at you? Even Vladimir can’t do it! Once, I tell skinny tween Justin Trudeau I am sending hordes of Cossacks across ocean to pillage Ontario, and he says, oh, no need for pillage, Vladimir! We love tourists. Do Cossacks need hotel rooms? I can recommend excellent Mongolian restaurant in Toronto. Let me know if I can expedite visas. We Canadians are a very hospitable people, eh?

Way to take all the fun out of it, Trudeau! Tweens! Is difficult age.

What else has Donald done? Oh, tourism! Tourists do not want to come to America anymore, because you keep locking them in gulag for no reason. Even the white ones! Then liberals get mad and holler and say names and raise blood pressure to numbers never before recorded. Is joyous time!

Vladimir knew that would happen, actually. Donald very much admire our own prison camps. Many times he say, Vladimir, your people respect you because you show strength. Someone look at you funny, boom! Off to Siberian gulag! I can’t do that in America. We must have a reason for sending scum off to gulag. I always tell him, Donald, you have too many laws. You should just ignore them! What will they do, throw you out of office? We have much laughter about that one.

Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Had Great Year Killing People And Watching America Decline!

Donald is really getting into spirit of it! Now he express joy about putting people in El Salvador prison for setting Teslas on fire. Pushing Elon Musk on him may have been Vlad’s masterstroke. Two children with combined IQ of cabbage set loose in toy store and told they can break anything they want. Only toy store is America and instead of breaking, say, Dora the Explorer playset, they are breaking cancer research and famine relief.

Ha ha, the rest of the world is not only going to hate you, it will actively shun you as if you are bacon in kosher deli.

Wonkette, do not tell Donald this, but sometimes I am even almost jealous of his relationship with Elon. Do you see way they look at each other? And Donald take him everywhere. They have sleepovers at White House. Vladimir has never had sleepover at White House!

But then Donald call and we talk for two hours, and all is back to normal. He tells me how great and strong I am. I tell him he is also great and strong. Then I tell him to not forget who he works for, and he giggles. Have you ever heard Donald Trump giggle? Is disturbing sound, like herd of musk ox all farting at same time.

Then I call Elon and tell him same thing, while thanking him for doing such good work immiserating America and wrecking economy. He is so happy, like little boy with first prostitute. He offered to “doge up” Russia next, but I tell him we are already barely functional and all the people hate me but can’t do anything about it. In other words, we’re good. But I will call him if we want fireworks show in Moscow, perhaps he can launch one of his rockets over city and save us trouble?

That one he find less funny, so I tell him I am kidding. Again, while making wanking motion. Then I compliment him on how good he is at Diablo, and all is fine again.

Is too easy, Wonkette. Next time, you will tell America, give Vladimir a challenge.

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